M a r k   a n d   P h i l

In 1980, the Episcopal parish I had been attending in downtown LA was closed down because the property had been sold, so I began looking around at other churches. All Saints Church in Pasadena stood out at the time because of the music and the thoughtful sermons. I soon was attending regularly, and even made a pledge during the Every-Member Canvas. Early in 1981 I attended the classes that lead to confirmation. The memorable thing about being confirmed that year on April 26, was that my mom and dad were there. That symbolized for me the benefits, in my family, of affirming what we can say "yes" to, rather than focusing on differences. My confirmation was a homecoming for me, a gay son of a fundamentalist preacher. The church that I could come back to, though, was a far more welcoming place in 1980 than my dad's church, and than the several other churches I had visited over the years. Those were places that seemed to want to be welcoming, but finally, when it became clear who I was, it was too difficult for them.

In 1983, I attended a seminar in West Hollywood, where John Boswell spoke about his new book. It happened that I was seated next to another Baptist preacher's kid, named Phil Straw. We got to talking and were very excited about Boswell, especially about his research into early church blessings of same-sex couples. We decided to get together again, and that happened early in 1984. Phil and I had a great time comparing notes about growing up in fundamentalist churches, and sharing our experiences of being gay. We felt a strong bond, and committed ourselves to a monogamous relationship. Phil hadn't been to any church for several years, but I asked him to join me at All Saints, so he did, reluctantly at first. He quickly became more enthusiastic, though, and loved the music at least as much as I. I was singing in the choir then, and Phil would attend both services with me on Sundays.

Phil took confirmation classes in the spring of 1985, and we attended most of them together. His first thought was that he would become a "General" member and join the church but not be confirmed. The further he got into the process, though, the more it became clear to him that he wanted to be confirmed, which he was, on April 14 that year.

Before Phil and I got together, few folks at All Saints knew I was gay. I didn't tend to stick out in a crowd, so the only time I would mention going out with guys, was in the context of general discussions about dating or home life. Since Phil was with me for most church functions, though, we began to be seen as a couple. We loved being part of the church family and never felt anything but warm welcome. From the first time we made mention to each other of whether it would be possible to be "married" at church, it was in the context of a strong feeling of wanting to give something back to this place that had made us feel so at home. We wanted to celebrate that.

Later in the spring of 1985, Denis O'Pray, who was on the staff of ASC at that time, led a short seminar series that focused on the book, Embodiment by James Nelson. In those discussions, we communicated with Denis about our good feelings at church and how natural it seemed to us to have a ceremony celebrating that. We knew he communicated with our rector, George Regas, and other staff about this. We frequently wrote letters to George, letters of support, and we rarely ended those letters without asking about the possibility of the church being involved with us that way. On November 24, 1986, early on a Monday morning, we met with George, and at that meeting we were explicit about what we had in mind. He reviewed with us the lack of unanimity in the staff regarding blessing same-sex couples, and also told us about a private service that had been conducted once before, when doors were locked and the priest met with the couple, just the three of them, to bless their relationship. He offered that to us. We thanked him for the offer, and said that we would rather wait until everyone was ready. We felt the church was moving in the right direction, so we would wait for the right time.

Meanwhile, a gay/lesbian group had formed and was meeting regularly. This had been another outcome of the Embodiment seminar in 1985. George Regas first came to a meeting of that group on March 2, 1986. There was a discussion there, in which George said a few words and then asked for people to respond. Clearly the most urgent question at that meeting was "When will All Saints bless our relationships?" After that, George made a practice of coming to a meeting of GALAS once a year, and the most pressing issue always was the blessing of relationships.

Phil and my involvement continued to deepen at church. In January, 1987, I was elected to the vestry. When it came time for the vestry retreat, where it was customary for vestry spouses to accompany members, we talked quietly with other vestry members about whether Phil should go along. There was never any question. We continued to feel warmly welcomed as a couple.

More and more gay men and lesbians were coming to All Saints. GALAS grew larger and became more involved as a service organization in the parish. All Saints AIDS Service Center was organized to help meet needs of people with AIDS in the San Gabriel Valley. And, each year, when George came to dialogue with GALAS, the burning issue seemed to grow hotter: When will All Saints bless our relationships?

In the fall of 1990, a friend of ours on the staff, Lyla White, told us to be sure not to miss church on November 11. We didn't know what was coming. We rarely missed church anyway. So we were there, to hear George declare in clear and committed words, his conviction that the time had come for All Saints to honor and bless the relationships of lesbians and gay men. We were amazed and pleased. It seemed to us that the time was right. We knew people who were impatient, and there were good reasons to feel that way. We were so glad to be part of that and to have been there to hear the declaration.

We were part of a task force that worked during 1991 to clarify the issue and elicit responses from the parish. On Friday morning, April 11, I called the church office to reserve the church for the Blessing of the Covenant of Phil Straw and Mark Benson on January 18, 1992! I remember the shriek of delight from the secretary!

I can't imagine any couple having more fun planning a wedding than Phil and I! We wanted to include as many parishioners as possible. There were meetings with George about the liturgy and readings, meetings with Jim Walker and the choir about music, banner-building sessions at home with friends, meetings with Connie Smith who made a lovely banner for the head of the procession, Dick White, who was the florist for the event, and consultations with the stationers who made our engraved invitations. Then another friend of ours addressed all the 500+ invitations by hand as a gift to us.

The year of discussion about the issue proceeded while we made plans, and people were able to voice their concerns about this step, along with their hopes and dreams. In November, George Regas preached a follow-up sermon and announced the intention of him and the whole parish to proceed with same-sex blessings. Invitations were mailed on December 1. After that, good wishes began arriving at our home.

The service, on Saturday, January 18, 1992, at noon, is hard to describe. Both Phil and I had lived for so long in churches in which our presence was only a source of nervousness and consternation, and here we were, witnesses to the warmest, most affirmative embrace we could imagine! What a magnificent time we had! We were so glad we had waited for everyone to be ready.

--Mark Benson   

updated 17 March 2003, webmaster